Fall Quarter

So, fall quarter has been an interesting but fun ride. It went by extremely fast yet super slow and was pretty hectic most of the times. I have a tendency to take on a huge load because supposedly I'm more productive that way LOL. This quarter I took/am taking 16 units (not bad at all), have a job (school and work, piece of cake), am a co-leader for women's b-stud (getting slightly hectic), taking a dance class (fun but really tiring), and I joined the UC Davis NCAA novice crew team (OVERLOAD). ok, so i only lasted about 2 months on the crew team and then decide to quit because it was too much for me, i quit last week =(. I really enjoyed it, but it was pretty much becoming my life and my priority. I mean i love rowing, but not THAT much, seriously man i gave up sleep, friends and some school work for crew. Now that i quit i feel like I have all the time in the world, even though I really don't.

Now the quarter is almost over just this week and then finals next week and then i get to go back home and hang out with my sis and my friends! woo-hoo. i've got a ton of work to do before break though, but I really do feel motivated =D.

Thanksgiving break was pretty good...driving back from L.A. to Davis was a really big challenge though. It took us 15 hours because Sherrie's car broke down and we had to wait for a tow truck for 3 hours. It was a good think Ruby's mom was able to come and drive us all the way to DAvis. I felt bad that Sherrie also lost her luggage. It flew off when we were on the freeway and we drove all the way back to the gas station (~30 mins away w/o traffic) to look for it. I guess it wasn't too bad of a trip, at least I got to practice my Spanish =D and I'm still alive and breathing....



i think that word is suppose to be "DUO"...but resQued, man hahaha...oh jon...

"To Love is to be vulnerable"

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
-C.S. Lewis

Where do I even begin with this quote. I feel like it sums up pretty well what I have been trying to do. I have been trying to guard my heart on my own strength out of my own selfishness. I did not/ do not want to be vulnerable. However, God has been convicting me and I realize that by "locking [my heart] up safe in the casket," I am becoming more and more impenetrable...unbreakable.

I have been wrapping my heart with little luxuries that keep me happy. My hobbies keep me happy, but when I am alone sometimes i feel empty. I mean, I do love time by myself, but lately it has been different. I feel like there is something missing and that is where I feel God has been convicting me. He is convicting me of my own selfishness that wants to guard my happiness by not letting others in. God helped me see the truth...something that I refused to see for so many years. After so many years of being "hurt" by my father, someone I loved, I began to make my heart hard and I began to pretend like I didn't care and that it didn't hurt me. AFter a while I began to believe it and not even the nastiest comments could bring me to tears. I feel like my love was turning into hatred for my dad and may have began to infiltrate my views on men in general. I say that I forgive my dad for all that he has done to me, but part of me feels like I haven't just yet. I like to say that I have forgiven him because that's easy, i don't have to realize what he did, I can just say "You never hurt me, your opinion and comments never really mattered to me anyways," but in reality, his opinions and comments once meant something to me. It use to hurt me when he said that he disowned me, it use to hurt me when he told me to get out and it use to hurt me when he said that I was nothing but a parasite. I think that this is the reason why I feel like haven't truly forgiven my father and this is the reason why I am unable to be vulnerable. Because I use to be vulnerable and I got my heart broken, but what I realize is that that is life and what sustains me is God and His peace.

God pursues my heart and I pursue Him back and His love is everlasting and intangible. It is something than no one can EVER take away. His love teaches me how to love. It teaches me how to look at myself and see where I am going wrong. It teaches me how to be vulnerable so that someone else can be loved too.

Whenever I see someone I love cry, it makes me cry. That again shows that to love someone you are vulnerable. To truly love someone you , in a way, give the control of your emotions. It is not easy and it is something that I am working on, but it is also something that I am glad to be convicted of. I don't want to grow cold or bitter. I want to love others just as God has shown love to me.

He restorers my strength. He sustains me through all trial, tests, and tribulations. How I love the Lord my God who gave His only son for me, a sinner. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, thank you Lord! I cry out to you Father when I am at my lowest point you give me strength, you are the everlasting God.

Thank you Lord for all the blessings that you have poured out into my life Lord. The greatest blessings of all is Jesus Christ, with out Him I don't know where I would be. Thank you for Your forgiveness and mercy Lord. My heart is Yours Lord, continue to captivate me with Your love. I pray that I may be able to forgive and love others just like You have forgiven and loved me. O' Lord at times it can be so hard for me, I humbly profess to you that I can not do it with my own strength but with Your strength. Help me in my strive to be more like You, help me to keep my eyes on You so that I may love, forgive and understand, like You.

Lord You're holy...how i love that song!!! You truly are holy and i lift you up and magnify Your name!! I see all the works you have done in my life, just like the song says, Your love NEVER fades! You are worthy of all my praise!!

God is good

God said to look at the flowers of the fields and the birds in the sky that they neither sow nor reap, yet God provides for them. I see how pretty the flowers and trees are and it show me God's power and glory. This makes me happy because I know that God loves me, His child, just as much if not more than the birds and flower. Slowly I feel that I am able to accept myself the way God made me. I love knowing that He loves me and that He doesn't look at the outward appearance, but at the heart. God's love is what sustains me through all things and His love is sufficient for me. Well, it's easier for me to say it (or type it lol) and believe it, but sometimes I wonder if something affected my physical appearance how would I react? ...i don't know i guess i'mjust thinking about all this right now because I found out that I'm going to have chemotherapy again. I don't know how much chemo I will be getting, but I may or may not lose my hair....My response to my doctor when he said that I would have to have chemo again was kind of funny because the first thing i said was " Will I lose my hair??!!" Afterwards I realized that was kind of shallow of me, it's just hair it will grow back if i have to lose my hair.

Lately God has been telling me that I am beautiful. Well, actually God has always been telling me that, but it's just recently that I have noticed. We all have insecurities at some point in our lives. What I realized is that I just need to be content with myself. It's the whole concept of the "grass greener than the other side." A lot of times girls compare themselves to other girls and are unsatisfied with themselves, but if they had the same physical appearance of THAT other girl and kept the same mentality of comparing themselves, then the cycle would continue. They would continue to compare and compare and change and change things about they're physcial appearance. For example, when I went to India the girls there wanted lighter skin and there were ads for creams to lighten up the skin. However people here in the U.S.A go to tanning booths and use creams to get darker skin (this really surprised the indians).

ok i feel a little distracted rite now lol. anyways, GOd has really been helping me to deal with these kind of issues. Everyday that I seek Him, only His opinion seems to matter. He knows that I am beautiful and it makes me so very grateful and glad. He gives me the confidence that I need, but not to be boastful.

Christianity- it's a lifestyle, not a religion!

His strength is made perfect in our weakness

So I'm still here in L.A. and I find myself wanting to go back "home" to Davis. I really miss my comfortable life and I miss school. There has been so much change since I got back from India, but God has been shaping me and showing me that I can't do all this on my own.

Spiritual warfare is going on 24/7. When the devil sees that a person is starting to seek God more and more diligently, He attacks even harder because He wants us to lose faith. Coming back from my missions trip allowed me to grow so much with God and I know that my sister and mother have grown in their relationships as well. However, when the devils sees the areas where we are weak he makes an attempt to bring us down. I feel that these past few weeks have been the most challenging spirtually, emotionally, and physically. Disease, violence, evil words, and death have made an attempt to dishearten my family. However, I know that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms," (Eph 6:12). Through out all these trials I have chosen to praise God and continue to turn to Him. Yes, i did say that the devil attacks our weak points; however, God 's strength also becomes perfect in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9). I know that God's strength is sufficient for me and the devil has not authority to affect my life. I chose to seek God's because his peace sustains me, it allows me to be able to withstand difficult times. I don't know everything there is to know about God. No one can because His knowledge far surpasses our own, He is God and I will not limit Him to my circumstances because He is so much bigger than that.

Like i said, there are times when i just want to go back to Davis, but I feel that God allowed me to come back home and be with my family because He wants to show me that I can't run away from my problems. Usually I feel good when I am back in Davis because I don't have to deal with my real life back home. Sometimes I just want to forget because I don't want to be in pain, but God is also teaching me that we need to help bear each other's burdens. I need to face problems not run away from them. I need to overcome sickness and deal with, I need to dig deep into emotions that have become numb. I need to feel and realize my situation, I need to realize the intensity of it and overcome it. I'm not saying that i need to dwell on it because then that will only make things worse and it will make me worse off. I am also realizing that if I don't address a situation and if i continue to pretend like its not there, then I can never cure it. In order to cure a disease you need to know the cause of it you need to know what it is.....well, the truth hurts but I have to dig deep and the deepest wounds hurt the most.

I pray each night that God's peace sustains me and that His love will continue to pour out on me. I thank God that I am alive and breathing and that He provides me with all that i need. God is so good and He is always teaching me something new each day. I know that His word is truth and Jesus is the way the truth and the life. I thank God for all that I have and I pray that He will continue to work in my life and the lives of those around me. Having a relationship with God is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, i'm so thankful for His grace =).

Choose to Be a Blessing

The Blessing by John Waller

Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living.
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind.
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life.

Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying.
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind.
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life.

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now,
And we will choose to be a blessing for life.

Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus. Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life.
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing for life.

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now,
And we will choose to be a blessing for life.
we will choose to be a blessing for life.


This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now,
And we will choose to be a blessing for life.
we will choose to be a blessing for life.


For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation
For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation

We will choose to be a blessing for life.
For life.
Blessing for life.


This is whats on my heart right now, I feel that God is convicting me of my selfishness again and again. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to try and I just want to care for myself. Then I realize that I am trying to deal with all my emotions by my own strength, but I can't do it all alone. I need God. I need God's love to not burn out and I need God' strength to sustain me.

It has been so good to be able to realize this day by day and it is always a challenge of my faith, but that's what brings be closer to God. Challenges are what makes me know God's character even more and it continues to strengthen my faith in Him and it gives me a sense of peace.

I want to be a blessing to others. I want to serve God's kingdom and glorify His name. He is so faithful and I want to be faithful to Him. Of course, I know that, me being human here on earth, I can never be as faithful as He because He is perfect, but I will definitely try. I am willing to travel the world for His glory. I feel that God has given me a heart to reach out to those around the world to help them physically and spiritually.

GOD IS GOOD.

Clarity

Things happen for a reason. I've heard that so may times, but only now am i really beginning to see what it means. God is always behind the scenes and He allows certain things to happen for a reason. He never wills bad things to happen, but He allows it to happen for various reasons and it is up to us to pray and figure out what that reason is. I am beginning to the see the reason behind my situations.

God, time and time again, has continued to be faithful. He is a faithful God (Deut 32:4). While I was in India I had certain issues that I had to figure out. My spirit desired God and God desired me, but my flesh wanted otherwise (Matt 26:41). At times I wanted to go back to Davis because I wanted to be comfortable. I did not want to go back home to L.A. because I now how it is at my home. I was selfish and was only thinknig about myself, I wanted to be around all my friends and just be "happy." I continued to pray for God to give me understand, wisdom, discernment, and to remove my desires and fill me with His. God wanted me to trust Him and seek His kingdom and He showed me that He is Lord and that His understanding far surpasses my own (Phil 4:7). God led me to do certain things that was confusing at the time, I even had the audacity to question God. I wanted to leave things they way they were, but God was telling me that there needs to be change. I thought to myself and even asked God "why?" but I got no answer while I was in India. Regardless, I chose to have faith in Him, just like Abraham and many others in the bible did, so I did what God asked of me. I made some changes. It was hard for me, but He sustained me. He gave me peace and joy through out the trip and I was able to focus a lot more on the Indian people and my team rather than on myself.

However, towards the end of the trip I began to feel confused again and thought of "why" came up in my head again. And I began to pray that God would give me a clear reason that I would be certain my actions where right. When I came back to the U.S. it was a little difficult being back and transitioning back. i wasn't sure what to do with myself and part of me just wanted to go back to my old routine and my old self before I went on the India summer project. Later on in the week God answered my prayers. He gave me a clear as crystal sign that I did what I was suppose to do, it wasn't something that I wanted to hear but it was so good to see that God is faithful. He again sustained me through this and filled me with joy and happiness. In addition everything else in my life began to make sense. I was suppose to stay in Davis for summer school, but God changed my plans last minute and I am headed home to L.A in a couple of days, for a month. Initially I was disappointed for my own selfish reasons, but now I clearly see why God is sending me there. I need to serve His kingdom and grow more with Him and tell others of His wonderful glory. I also need to help my family, mend relationships, and continue to rely on Him.

There were just soooo many changes that hit me the first week I got back from India and pretty much all of them were painful changes. God wanted me to realize that the experience that I had in India isn't something that should be forgotten. It is something that I need to experience to change things in my life. God pursued and fought for my heart and He won.

Desiring Him

I just got back from India a couple of days ago. I was there for 6 intense weeks where God was able to stretch my faith, take me out of my comfort zone and change my heart. I was able to learn a lot about Indian culture, religion, hobbies, and what the most important things were in the lives of the students. I was also able to share everything about myself and what was most important in my life, Jesus.

This was not the first time that I had seen intense poverty, but it was the first time were i was able to really comprehend everything that was going. I felt like as my relationship with God continued to grow, my heart for the nations also continued to grow. Seeing the children in the slums, hearing about the women in the brothels, Seeing the blind worshiping of idols, seeing the corruption in leadership positions and seeing the way men treat women like objects just shattered my heart into pieces. I remember praying to God to break my heart for what breaks His and He seemed to be doing just that.

God continued to convict and He fought for my heart and desired for me to completely surrender to Him. Of Course, me being human I resisted. I wanted this trip to India to be the first and last. I wanted to go back to the U.S. and continue my normal life. I wanted to follow MY desires not God's. I just wanted this India summer project to be an experience, a cool story to tell, but half way through the project God made me realize that i need to choose Him over all else. It was actually hard to do just that and I am ashamed to admit that. I remember that in prayers i would always say "God use me, change my desires to Your desires and I will go where you want me to go." I realized that I always said that I dedicated my life to God, but I never really lived it. I thought that because I went on summer projects for a few weeks that I was doing my fair share of spreading God's truth. The idea of me going to some foreign land for a whole year was out of the questions to me. In my head I never wanted to be a missionary.

I feel that this summer I truly was able to grow in my relationship with God and I truly believe that If I seek first the kingdom of God then He will provide me with all my needs. He has continued to show me how faithful He is. He has continued to answer my prayers and help me understand what it means to surrender to Him.

He pursues me and I want to pursue Him back. I desire God to be central in my life.