Dedicated to the One who gave it all

Love carried the cross that was meant for me

2010-03-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful for your love, Lord. It brings me to tears, your love and mercy is wonderful. You sustain me through trials and tribulations. Lord! I desperately need You! Continue to break me Father and build me back up with Your love Lord. I'm feeling overwhelmed...I realized that I was just ignoring many things because I just don't want to deal with them Lord. Today it just all hit me. I don't know what to do. I am so frustrated Lord.

You are my refuge, my comforter, my shelter. I seek You Father. I pray that my relationship is not based on my emotions but on your word... i always seem to want to isolate myself during times like this, but you always remind of Prov 18:1- A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment....Lord, I'm tired...

I need to be in community/fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ........
PSalm 119:37- Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way.

Thank you for paying my price. I am yours.

Last week of radiation !!! woo hoo!!

2009-11-14T20:48:00.001-08:00

Starting this Monday will be my last week of radiation. =). I'm soooo happy!! These past few weeks weren't as hard as I thought would've been. I think the first week was the hardest because I just had to get used to the change, but after that I didn't experience much side effects (thank God). I just felt a lot more tired than usual, other than that God has definitely been teaching me a lot and showing me what he wants me to do in the future. I'm happy and excited ! =D

Blu Like Yazz...

2009-10-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

...as my mama would say. Also known as "Blue Like Jazz". If you have no idea what I'm talking about you need to pick up this book because it is amazing!

Day 2 of Radiation

2009-10-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

5 am, early, dark, rainy, windy, excited, nervous, anxious, indifferent, sad, frustrated, tears, sobs, comfort, calm, angry, apologetic, relaxed, cold, really really cold, soo sleepy, really wet, indifferent....not looking forward to biking to work.

my day started out a little rough today and its only 10 am sigh ....hopefully the rain will stop soon.

Day 1 of radiation...

2009-10-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

...wasn't too bad. It took like 15 min for the whole procedure. The travel time was what got me. i was dumb and forgot to print out my readings so i wasted like 2 hours of potential study time =(. The good news is that I won't have to miss class tomorrow since they changed my appointment time to 7am instead of 8am from now on. That means rise and shine extra extra early for me for the next 6 weeks. Oh well.

im hungry.

Looking to Invest??

2009-10-01T22:53:00.001-07:00

If you're looking for something to invest in, invest in something that is consistent, invest in something that holds the same standard yesterday, today, and tomorrow, invest in something that will ALWAYS give back; do not invest in this world, invest in His faithful and unconditional LOVE; invest in GOD.

In His love I'm waking up! I am loved and I am free!

te amo JESUCRISTO!!

Busy Busy Busy

2009-10-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

Well, the title pretty much says it all...and its only the first full week of school. That's ok I like to be busy, as long as I get my sleep. I find rest in my Lord Jesus.

oh so i just remembered one thing that I wanted to write about, my recent doctor's appointment. I thought it was pretty much a waste of time, as usual, I should of just called to ask and speak with my doctor rather than going all the way to sac by shuttle, oh well.

sooo pretty much what happened was that my doctor told me that he wouldn't recommend me to have surgery before radiation so he thinks I should wait until 1 month after I'm done with radiation (around December) to operate . However, there are pros and cons, of course, and one of the cons was that the surgery might affect my studies since I would have to miss 2 weeks of school. He also discussed with me other negative results that the surgery might cause, such as the severe nerve damage and the loss of feeling in my leg, meaning I would not be able to walk normally or at all....i pretty much already know all these pros and cons. My doctor seemed very hesitant and unsure. He even told me that he doesn't know what to advise me in this situation. Hearing that as a patient made me lose confidence in him as my surgeon.

The previous surgery that I had a couple years ago was done by one of the most prominent doctors in California who specialized in desmoid tumors and even then I had "dropfoot" after the surgery, but by the grace of God I was able to walk normally again after 3-4 months. That was an unexpected but pleasing result =). Again, this makes me wonder if my current doctor has enough confidence in himself to perform the surgery. He seems kind of intimidated by who my previous doctor was and I feel like he may not think he can do the surgery successfully if my previous doctor barely did.

Despite all this God again continues to be faithful to me. As I came out of the doctors office and was waiting for the shuttle I was sitting and thinking and then I started to pray a little because the enemy was trying to plague my mind with negative thoughts. I wanted someone to pray with me and I began thinking who I could call to pray with/ for me. I ended up just sitting on the bench for about 15-20 min when a group of people from a local church came up to me and asked if they could pray for me! The prayer was very encouraging and reminded me that God hears me and that he knows what I am going through, so each day I am made more and more faithful to Him and I am positive that His walking with me through every step of this trial =D.

oh yeah and I will be starting radiation on October 12, so we'll see how that goes.

Salvation is Here!!

2009-09-17T10:13:00.001-07:00

Wooo!! I'm so excited for this year!! I just got back from a leadership retreat and it was sooo amazing!! We got a ton of planning done for this year's Destino and it is going to be a fun filled, action packed and spiritually moving year! There is so much that I expect to see, but one thing that we, as leaders in the group, want to see is that God will be the backbone of our movement. That we will remeber why we are doing this. Not simply because we want people to join our group or b/c we want to be a popular group on campus. We are running Destino because we want people to know and feel God's love, grace and forgiveness. I want people to experience Him like I have, it is something that is sooo amazing!

Our mission statement for this year is

WE believe that God loves you and offers forgiveness to anyone that wants it, and we want everyone to know that.

I do this for God and for His people. I want to see everyone grow spiritually and develop a relationship with God and experience His loving kindness and grace.

this year is going to be a year of dedication, encouragement, motivation, diligence and pure AWESOMENESS!

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks

2009-08-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

AT the start He was there. In the end He'll be there. After all our hands have wrought, He FORGIVES.

As I continue to see how society changes in its morals and its standards it shows me how inconsistent we, as humans, are. We continue to change each and everyday. Our values have changed and emotions change along with it. A question that comes to mind is "how good do we have to be?" according what standard "How good is good?". To one person good might mean sharing their sandwich to another it might mean buying someone a house. Shoot, even Hitler thought he was doing good for his country when he began to eliminate the Jews. These are just a few examples of out inconsistencies.

We were discussing in my anthropology class how certain words in our vocabulary means something else to someone from a different culture. Of course this is so, we were all brought up in different societies with different beliefs and morals; however, doesn't that mean that there is no absolute meaning for certain words that we may think is absolute. To us it may seem right but to someone from a different culture it is wrong. Ah this makes my head spin.

So where do we draw the line? How do we draw the line if we all think differently? How open-minded do we half to be? (we don't want our brains to fall out) How close minded do we half to be (don't want to reject everything, we need faith). there has to be some sort of standard, but it can't be human standards because, as seen above, we are inconsistent. There has to be some higher power something/someone that holds that standard. I believe that consistency we desperately need in this roller coaster life is God. He is the one that will be our rock and foundation. He is the one that will never leave us nor forsake us. He sets the standards and the first is to love Him (God) and the second is to love your neighbors as yourself. If there is no love for yourself then where is the love coming from. It first must originate from the heart and if you have the consistency of God in your heart then good positive words should come out of your mouth. Matthew 12:34 For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (NKJV)...

How to Write a College Paper

2009-07-16T16:20:00.001-07:00

How to write a paper in college/university:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Go on pandora.com, listen to your favorite station and dance around.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.

19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.

26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.

I melt in His peace, it's overwhelming...

2009-05-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

this love is so deep....what a relief. I find refuge in my Lord my God. I was feeling so...I'm not really sure...kinda depressed, i guess. It was a 3 day weekend I pretty much did not do any homework, well not as much as I wanted to get done. I'm really disappointed in myself. i have to make a power point presentation and write 3 papers this week. I am so ready to be done with school, but I'm looking forward to my week long break...then its back to school for me, ick! oh well. one more year and then i graduate wooo hoo!!

As i was saying, i was feeling really sad for some reason and I could not focus on my homework. I began to surf the web and do anything to prevent myself from doing homework. I even went out and had some greasy food with a friend, i felt gross afterwards. Anyways, my mind was so foggy and i just continued to get lost in my thoughts, i even began to think how much easier it would be if Jesus would just come back right now LOL. Then i realized that I was not turning to God for comfort, i was trying to find it in all these little things that I thought made me happy, e.g. food, facebook (lol), etc. These things only made me feel worse.

I finally began to pray and even then i felt so lost and couldn't think straight. I felt like all these emotions were bottled up and I just wanted to let it out but didn't know how. I tried to pray and cry (because crying always makes me feel better). I tried to open up to God and I did somewhat, but not to the full extent. I prayed that God would help me to open my hear to Him and that's when I decided to play my guitar for a little bit. I played "The more I seek you" and as i sung the lyrics God really broke me and I burst into tears and began sobbing as I continued to play my guitar. The peace and relief that I felt was so amazing. I felt so light becaue, just like Jesus say, His yoke is easy.

AS I sung each word in the lyrics, i truly meant every bit. the more I seek God the more I find Him. I continue to experience His love and His grace everyday. The more I find Him, the more I love Him. That is so true, I am so in love with God that I want to pursue Him. His love surrounds me, it is something that can never be taken away, it is intangible and everlasting. Nothing can compare to it and nothing can replace it. Yes, I can attempt to seek out little hobbies that make me happy temporarily, but it won't last. You can get a temporary high from something, but God's love is something that's eternal, it is consistent even when i am not.

What a relief, I thank God that I have him as my outlet. I thank God that I do not need to find temporary relief in other things because I have his consistent love. It is something that will never change, i am secure with God, i am blessed with God, and I am at peace with God.

saaalssaa

2009-05-22T04:04:00.000-07:00

hooray for salsa night. it was really fun as usual, except for the nasty creepers lurking around *shudder*. my friend celeste had to send one of her guy frineds to save me from a creeper LOL....now time for homework....oh yeesss, i've mastered the art of procrastination. i am the ultimate procrastinator. i have a presentation to do at 10 am it is now 4:05 am...i haven't started any of it, but i'm not worried lol. same o same o....i seriously need to stop procrastinating though cuz's its giving me some nasty dark circles under my eyes =(.....woo hoo 3 day weekend!! zzzzzzz, nooo can't sleep....presentation in a few hours =0 lol. .....i've been drinknig a lot of coffee lately, not good for my teeth.....

Running woo hoo!

2009-05-07T02:03:00.000-07:00

I love running it is so refreshing. I ran a half marathon on sunday and I did a lot better than I expected, considering the amount of training that I did for it. After spring break (late April) I only ran about once a week with the most being 3 miles. That is not a lot of running since i was training for a half marathon. I still did pretty good i ran the enitre way. I wasn't expecting that. My overal time was 2:15!! woo hoo!! I don't really know if that's good, but still woo hoo, i finished and it felt soooo goood!! well, not really afterwards....my roomates and I were pretty much in pain.

The course was really nice. There were lots of trees. It was called Avenue of the Giants, a very relaxing run. I'm really excited to do another one. I really want to do a full marathon, but i need someone to be willing to come with me or at least do a half marathon. I'm thinkning i wanna do another one in september or sumthing. cool....i need to study for my midterm and i feel kinda disoriented. i'm sleepy....i'm excited to go running on friday morning =D

I feel so loved right now =D

2009-04-04T10:50:00.001-07:00

So i've begun to realize that I tend to get attached to people really quickly. As i stated in a previous blog, I was in Oaxaca, Mexico for a week; and yes, that was enough for me to become attached to the people and to the village of Tlaxiaco. I really do miss the cool breeze of the village and the gorgeous mountains. I definitely miss all the people that I met. The other missionaries were awesome and I am so blessed to have met them. I honestly didn't think that a week would make me them this much lol. I thnk it was that they had such a welcoming spirit, it reminded me of my family and I felt so comfortable around everyone. Every person that I talked was different/unique in their own way and I found that really intriguing. I wish that I had more time to get to know them all a lot better, but realistically, i know that i probably won't see any of them until heaven.

I am so grateful for the opportunity that God has given me to go abroad and build bonds with such wonderful Christians and with the local people. I've noticed that with each missions trip I am able to be more open with who I am. I am more willing to be vulnerable. I notice that those barriers that I once had are beginning to topple down; thanks to the wonderful love and genuine friendship of my wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ.

The past missions trip that I have been on, I have made some pretty awesome friends. I still keep in touch with some of them to this day. I am so grateful fro my friends in India, El Salvador, all over the states and in Mexico; and I am so grateful that I can still keep in touch with some of them.............Mexico was too short of a trip. I wish I had more time to go back and really get to know the people in the village and the other missionaries. What I will always remember from this brief trip is the love that I experienced. This experience was unique and one of a kind. I can't even put it into words. It's something that one has to experience themselves.

......oh how i love writing without restrictions....without being concerned if this sentences supports my thesis or if my paragraphs have a consistent topic...i love just being the random me......praise God! =D

His perfect love

2009-03-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

I hurt You and bring grief to Your heart.
You surround me with Your love
I pull away from You desiring my own ways.
You surround me with You patience.
Unpleasant words come from my mouth.
You surround me with forgiveness.
Such an amazing undeserving relationship I have with You.
You are not like us, You are perfect.

You have pursued me and called to me
At first I refused to come,
you let me go my way;
I had to learn the hard way, the way I chose.
I came to You broken and in tears;
you embraced me and received me with nothing but love, there is no condemnation with You.
You whisper Surrender Surrender Surrender
I give You my heart.
You engulf me in Your word and in Your love.
You are my true love and I desire You
You pursue me and call to me,
My desire is to pursue You and listen.

Tlaxiaco

2009-03-31T00:56:00.000-07:00

The joy that You have given me so amazing. I love waking up with You on my mind. This peace surpasses all understanding. Today the lyrics of some pretty amazing songs were stuck in my head (The more i seek you, God of this city and ?). As I sang each song I just wanted to praise you out loud Lord. So that's what I did. I sang out loud (not too loud) as I walked from class to class. I also prayed for people that were around me; I prayed that tehy too would find peace...

I am so grateful for the opportunity that I had to go to Oaxaca, Mexico and serve God's kingdom. It was a very short missions trip (1 week), yet I learned so much. It was different from summer projects because this mission trip with GFM was more people oriented. It focused on serving the people of God and building trust amongst them. It also humbled me because there were times where I really just wanted to go out and share the gospel, but God kept telling me to wait and be patient. He was showing me that He was the one that was in charge of bringing forth the spiritual conversations and it wasn't me that was doing it; but of course along with faith there must be action. God gave me the opportunity to share His gospel through music and it was truly amazing.

I have come back to the U.S. with somewhat of another perspective on reaching out to people. I feel like I have more sense of a balance than I had before. I need to slow down my life and take time to just get to know people and show them that i truly care about them. I am so grateful that God has blessed me; therefore, I want to be a blessing to others. I don't want to keep it all for myself. I want people to experience the joy and the love that I experience and I pray that they will.

good nitght...zzzzzzz......

Training the body

2009-02-28T13:33:00.000-08:00

So i'm just gonna jump right into this blog. last quarter I ended up quitting the rowing team so my roommates then asked me if i wanted to run a marathon wth them. I of course said YES!!! i ddin't really start training until mid January and I really slacked off during Feb due to mid terms and a bijillion papers. I began to have seconds thoughts about running the whole marathon and was thinking about doing the half marathon instead. However, i went on a run this morning and it was really difficult (considering I haven't really ran in 2 weeks), but it was extremely rejuvenating as well.

The last time i went running was thurs (today is sat) and it was only for 20 min. That's pretty bad considering i'm training for a marathon. This morning I decided to change my whole perspective on running. I wanted to run for God. I want to do this to show the body that I am in control and that with God's help I can do all things. I wanted to use this running time as a time to meditate on scripture and keep the temple of God in shape.

I started off at about an 8 min mile pace, but then i realized i was going to fast because i wanted to quit after what seemed like only 7-8 min. Immediately i was began thinking, "i think I'm going to stop after 20 min," but then I told my self NO and I began to meditate on part of the scripture in psalm 138: 7-8 and a mix of other verses...I kept thinking " You revive me...You perfect that which concerns me...in my weakness You are made perfect..." When my body wanted to stop I used scripture to overpower that desire and i asked God to strengthen my mind and to just keep running. There were times where I told my body to shut up haha and just run. I ended up running for 46 minutes so assuming that i had a 9 min pace per mile (it felt like it) then I ran about 5miles more or less.

This morning really helped me. It showed me that the mind is so powerful. IT showed me that I must guard my thoughts because thoughts make such a great impact in our lives. IT affects our mood our confidence our ability to focus and communicate. When i was running I wanted to stop after 7 minutes, but I ended up running for about 40 minutes more!! Our mind has the power to help us overcome or aid in our defeat. No wonder why God says in Philippians 4:8-9 God says to meditate on whatever is pure, noble, admirable, of good report... These thoughts affect how we carry ourselves and how we perceive life. It also affects our health and our ability to overcome diseases. Also placebo pills are another example of the wonderful mine at work. The mind as the power to heal if you have the will power to fight off negativity. I think that it is extremely difficult to this on your own human strength. We need to rely on God and put our complete trust in Him and His word which is our sword.

When I relate this to my Christian walk, there are times where the devil will tempt me and it will be difficult to say no, but it is not impossible. With God's strength I can overcome the things and desires of this world. It's a matter of guarding my mind. I need to filter out all those thoughts, ideas, and suggestion from the devil and be in control of the temple of God. This means in all areas such as time, money and FOOD. Food is somewhat of an issue for me. i tend to eat and eat and eat and EAT!! I realize that I can be gluttonous and that i absolutely LOVE sweets. As a result I am going on a fast from all sweets for 40 days to show that I have control over this temple of God and that i can resist the temptation of the oh sooo delicious chocolate cakes, brownies, banana nut bread, muffins, etc.

I will make an attempt to keep a running log here on this blog and show how God has continued to develop me spiritually and physically through running; as well as fasting. I will also try to keep a blog for that, but i can't make any promises considering i have four papers due next week and then finals in 2 weeks and raising support for Oaxaca. =).

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (NIV)

God hears our prayers

2009-02-22T20:19:00.000-08:00

Right now I feel like I just want to do everything for God. This week I was so blessed and encouraged even more so. First of all the DEstino leadership retreat was such an amazing blessing last week and that encouraged me so much.....

I had an MRI this Friday and I was feeling kind of down because I got phone call from my sister telling some not so happy things about my family. To top it all off I had to get an MRI for my leg that has been causing me an immense amount of pain. While I was getting the MRI(it took 2 hours) i found my mind beginning to wander and I found myself doubting God. However, I immediately caught myself and I was reminded that the enemy strikes when you are most vulnerable and I feel that my state of mind caused me to be vulnerable to the devil. I began to pray and tell God that He is my refuge and I chose to rely on His strength. I never want to fall away from Him because I have seen His work in my life. I cried out to Him (yea i cried a little while getting an MRI, but I prayed in my head) and I remember thinking that God loves me and he does hear me even when it seems like He isn't there He really truly is right by me =).

Once the MRI was done, I got ready to leave, but before i could leave the MRI tech began asking me questions about my leg. I began telling him that I've had desmoid tumors since i was in 9th grade and the doctors pretty much said that they can't do anything about it. He asked me if i was worried about it and i replied that i dont have time to worry about. AFter this short convo he proceeded to tell me that "no matter what happens i just wanted to let you know that..." and then I heard the words that I desperately needed to hear "...God loves you..." As he said this his eyes began to fill with tears and he said that he didn't even know why he was crying. He told me that he had a relationship with God and that God love me, no matter what and that God will be there for me! This, of course, caused me to burst into tears as I proceeded to tell him that I too have a relationship with God. I told him that while I was getting the MRI I began to wonder "God where are you...do You even hear me, i know You hear me...You said in your word that you love..." and I prayed and cried out to God. I believe that god used this man to encourage me, to tell me that YES he does hear me and that he does love me. God works in mysterious ways and I do know that he did not cause this ailment and he did not cause the bad things to happen to my family. What I do know is that God is loving, faithful, graceful, forgiving, etc... Those words that came out of that man's mouth has encouraged me so.

Just as a side note this man said that he normally does not tell people that God loves them or else he probably would get fired lol. He just felt that God was telling him to tell me that. He also reminded me of that wonderful verse in revelations that states that there will be a day with no more tears and no more pain and when that day comes we will be in heaven and we will see each other and smile =D.

My perfect, Beloved

2009-02-14T16:57:00.001-08:00

I made you...you are different. You're unique. With love I formed you in your mother's womb. I fashioned you with great joy. I remember, with great pleasure that day I created you (Psalm 139:13-16)

I love your smile. I love your ways. I love to hear you laugh. And the silly things you say and do. You bring me great pleasure. This is how I made you (psalm 139:17)

I made you pretty and not beautiful because i know your heart and know you would be vain,,, I want you to search out your heart and learn that it will be me in you that will make you beautiful...And it will be Me in you that will draw friends to you (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made you in such a way that you would need me. I made you a little more lonesome than you would like to be...Only because I need for you to learn and depend on me. I know your heart. I know if I had not made you like this you would go your own chosen way and forget Me...your creator (Psalm 63:5-8)

I have given you many good and happy things.. Because I love you (Psalm 84:11, Roman 8:23)

Because I love you I have seen your broken heart...and the tears you cried alone. I have tried with you and had a broken heart too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times you have stumbled and fallen alone. Only because you would not hold my hand. So many lessons you've learned the hard way because you would not listen to my voice (isaiah 53:6)

So many times I have set back and sadly watched you go your merry way alone. Only to watch you return to My arms sad and broken (Isaiah 62:2)

and now you are mine again...I made you and then I bought you...Because i love you(Romans5:8)

I have to reshape and remold you...To renew you to what I had planned for you to be. i know it has not been easy for you or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want you to be conformed to My image... This high goal I have set for you. Because I love you (2Corinthians 3:14)

-Jesus

*I didn't write this, but it is beautiful indeed....wow i just noticed that I posted this on valentines' day lol =D

A Man's Life...

2009-02-04T21:02:00.001-08:00

Man, God's creation
full of emotion that rages
Can we control it?
I finally see, my eyes have opened
I see a child lost somewhere looking for guidance, he's looking for love
I see a child looking for someone to talk to.
I see a boy searching for manhood and finding his way alone
I see a boy living on his own and making mistakes
I see this man, this father, brother, uncle continuing to make the same mistakes
he desperately tries to succeed on his own strength.
He forgets about God and searches for approval of men on earth.
He is hurt and cries to God, but gets no immediate response.
He questions God, "Why me?!!" he asks
He is filled with frustration and resentment at his failures
I see a man living on his own strength making mistakes
My question is, why does he not learn from them?
Why does he continue to make the same mistakes?
Why does he not choose to repent, learn, and overcome?!
What is holding him back?
A feeling of guilt maybe, of the ones he left?
A feeling of insecurities maybe?
A cover up maybe, to try and show his "manliness."
But deep down is a scared little boy,
still searching for someone to just love him.
Still searching for someone to encourage him
Still searching to find strength to love himself.
Only then will he be a man and love others.

A poem about girlfriends

2009-01-27T07:56:00.000-08:00

So this is just part of a poem that I stole off of someone's notes on facebook...

A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS

...love you and your circumstances.
And the word says, 'If I have not Love, I am nothing.'
So, again, love you.
Love that you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say, ‘I am too Blessed d to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen~ ~ Losers let things happen.'
Be 'Blessed' Ladies...

Like God's word says "love your neighbor as yourself." "AS YOURSELF" I think that is so important to stress that. IN order to be able to truly love others you have to first accept yourself. Love must originate from you/me and it will overflow onto others. With out first loving yourself then you may feel a sense of unworthiness to be loved by others.....Love yourself, i need to love myself....

???? - random thoughts

2009-01-25T19:44:00.000-08:00

Hmmmmm, well I thought that this quarter was going to be a lot more easy than last quarter considering that I quit the rowing team. It definitely is not. I guess I just replaced the rowing team with another class and more dedication to Destino, lol oh well...and more dedication to my studies so I guess it's not all that bad.

Lately, I've been feeling a little out of it, i guess. I don't really know how to explain it , but I feel like the week goes by super fast but then again i feel like "yesterday" was "last month" its so weird.

My mind is filled with random thought write now...I had the weirdest dream last night. It was kind of scary. I don't really remember the details, but it was about papa. He was really mad, I mean, no joke, it was like one of those really really bad days where he explodes and throws things. I think in my dream it felt like he wanted to kill us (me and my family) and he wanted us to do something, I think...don't really remember. We were in a car and I think he wanted to crash it, but he got out and we managed somehow to lock him out. I remember being a little scared and I was screaming and crying. I dont think i was crying out of fear though, it was more of sadness and pain. i felt sorry for him and I felt sad that he has to suffer. I don't like seeing him suffer, but it's a choice that he has to make. He can choose to improve his life or he can choose to maintain it the way it is.

Today I called my sister and asked how papa was and she said that he reverted back to his same old self because he stopped taking his medication. He's schizophrenic. Some may say, "oh you have to understand , he's not right in the head...give him a break." He seems pretty sane to me, but i believe he just allows these evil thoughts to dwell in his head. He chooses to let them linger in his mind until they become a reality. If he had filtered or controlled these false thoughts in his mind from teh beginning then he wouldn't be in the situation/state he's in now. I feel that it is so hypocritical of him to lecture me my whole life about controlling what is in my mind when he can't even do that.

These thoughts have seemed to have found a home in my dad's head. They won't leave him or he chooses to let them stay. He has gotten so distant from God. He still puts up the facade of being Christian, such as going to church, volunteering as an usher and praying in front of the family. However, based on his actions outside of the "Christian" routine he has no relationship with God and his religion is empty, it is just a religion to him.

When I came home for break I showed him some scriptures in the bible that showed him that God will take care of him if he truly surrendered his problem to God, but he went against all teh scriptures i showed him and interpreted them in a completely different and shocking way. It hurt me and made me upset to think that my dad is tryin to overcome this disease on his own strength. He is not looking to God, he keeps saying that its not about God anymore. How can he get through it with out God? LIke it says in Phillippians 4: 6-7 Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God; and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I believe in this scripture with all my heart because in times of trial and tribulations I have chosen to seek God and he has given me this sense of peace.

This issue doesn't just affect him obviously, it affects my whole family, especially my mother. Sometimes I feel so bad that I don't have time to talk to her about all this and I feel bad that my brother will soon graduate from high school, thus leaving her alone with my dad. What can I do? I really can't do anything but pray and pray and pray. I acknowledge that this situation is present and that my family is going through difficult times, but it is in those times where i refuse to feel sorry for myself and it is in those times where i choose to seek God and trust in Him wholeheartedly because without him I wouldn't be able to get through this and all the other issues going on in my life. I thank God each and every day that I have a true RELATIONSHIP with him and that it is not just a routine ritualistic empty religion.

Fall Quarter

2008-12-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

So, fall quarter has been an interesting but fun ride. It went by extremely fast yet super slow and was pretty hectic most of the times. I have a tendency to take on a huge load because supposedly I'm more productive that way LOL. This quarter I took/am taking 16 units (not bad at all), have a job (school and work, piece of cake), am a co-leader for women's b-stud (getting slightly hectic), taking a dance class (fun but really tiring), and I joined the UC Davis NCAA novice crew team (OVERLOAD). ok, so i only lasted about 2 months on the crew team and then decide to quit because it was too much for me, i quit last week =(. I really enjoyed it, but it was pretty much becoming my life and my priority. I mean i love rowing, but not THAT much, seriously man i gave up sleep, friends and some school work for crew. Now that i quit i feel like I have all the time in the world, even though I really don't.

Now the quarter is almost over just this week and then finals next week and then i get to go back home and hang out with my sis and my friends! woo-hoo. i've got a ton of work to do before break though, but I really do feel motivated =D.

Thanksgiving break was pretty good...driving back from L.A. to Davis was a really big challenge though. It took us 15 hours because Sherrie's car broke down and we had to wait for a tow truck for 3 hours. It was a good think Ruby's mom was able to come and drive us all the way to DAvis. I felt bad that Sherrie also lost her luggage. It flew off when we were on the freeway and we drove all the way back to the gas station (~30 mins away w/o traffic) to look for it. I guess it wasn't too bad of a trip, at least I got to practice my Spanish =D and I'm still alive and breathing....

i think that word is suppose to be "DUO"...but resQued, man hahaha...oh jon...

"To Love is to be vulnerable"

2008-09-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
-C.S. Lewis

Where do I even begin with this quote. I feel like it sums up pretty well what I have been trying to do. I have been trying to guard my heart on my own strength out of my own selfishness. I did not/ do not want to be vulnerable. However, God has been convicting me and I realize that by "locking [my heart] up safe in the casket," I am becoming more and more impenetrable...unbreakable.

I have been wrapping my heart with little luxuries that keep me happy. My hobbies keep me happy, but when I am alone sometimes i feel empty. I mean, I do love time by myself, but lately it has been different. I feel like there is something missing and that is where I feel God has been convicting me. He is convicting me of my own selfishness that wants to guard my happiness by not letting others in. God helped me see the truth...something that I refused to see for so many years. After so many years of being "hurt" by my father, someone I loved, I began to make my heart hard and I began to pretend like I didn't care and that it didn't hurt me. AFter a while I began to believe it and not even the nastiest comments could bring me to tears. I feel like my love was turning into hatred for my dad and may have began to infiltrate my views on men in general. I say that I forgive my dad for all that he has done to me, but part of me feels like I haven't just yet. I like to say that I have forgiven him because that's easy, i don't have to realize what he did, I can just say "You never hurt me, your opinion and comments never really mattered to me anyways," but in reality, his opinions and comments once meant something to me. It use to hurt me when he said that he disowned me, it use to hurt me when he told me to get out and it use to hurt me when he said that I was nothing but a parasite. I think that this is the reason why I feel like haven't truly forgiven my father and this is the reason why I am unable to be vulnerable. Because I use to be vulnerable and I got my heart broken, but what I realize is that that is life and what sustains me is God and His peace.

God pursues my heart and I pursue Him back and His love is everlasting and intangible. It is something than no one can EVER take away. His love teaches me how to love. It teaches me how to look at myself and see where I am going wrong. It teaches me how to be vulnerable so that someone else can be loved too.

Whenever I see someone I love cry, it makes me cry. That again shows that to love someone you are vulnerable. To truly love someone you , in a way, give the control of your emotions. It is not easy and it is something that I am working on, but it is also something that I am glad to be convicted of. I don't want to grow cold or bitter. I want to love others just as God has shown love to me.

2008-09-07T19:17:00.001-07:00

He restorers my strength. He sustains me through all trial, tests, and tribulations. How I love the Lord my God who gave His only son for me, a sinner. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, thank you Lord! I cry out to you Father when I am at my lowest point you give me strength, you are the everlasting God.

Thank you Lord for all the blessings that you have poured out into my life Lord. The greatest blessings of all is Jesus Christ, with out Him I don't know where I would be. Thank you for Your forgiveness and mercy Lord. My heart is Yours Lord, continue to captivate me with Your love. I pray that I may be able to forgive and love others just like You have forgiven and loved me. O' Lord at times it can be so hard for me, I humbly profess to you that I can not do it with my own strength but with Your strength. Help me in my strive to be more like You, help me to keep my eyes on You so that I may love, forgive and understand, like You.

Lord You're holy...how i love that song!!! You truly are holy and i lift you up and magnify Your name!! I see all the works you have done in my life, just like the song says, Your love NEVER fades! You are worthy of all my praise!!

God is good

2008-09-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

God said to look at the flowers of the fields and the birds in the sky that they neither sow nor reap, yet God provides for them. I see how pretty the flowers and trees are and it show me God's power and glory. This makes me happy because I know that God loves me, His child, just as much if not more than the birds and flower. Slowly I feel that I am able to accept myself the way God made me. I love knowing that He loves me and that He doesn't look at the outward appearance, but at the heart. God's love is what sustains me through all things and His love is sufficient for me. Well, it's easier for me to say it (or type it lol) and believe it, but sometimes I wonder if something affected my physical appearance how would I react? ...i don't know i guess i'mjust thinking about all this right now because I found out that I'm going to have chemotherapy again. I don't know how much chemo I will be getting, but I may or may not lose my hair....My response to my doctor when he said that I would have to have chemo again was kind of funny because the first thing i said was " Will I lose my hair??!!" Afterwards I realized that was kind of shallow of me, it's just hair it will grow back if i have to lose my hair.

Lately God has been telling me that I am beautiful. Well, actually God has always been telling me that, but it's just recently that I have noticed. We all have insecurities at some point in our lives. What I realized is that I just need to be content with myself. It's the whole concept of the "grass greener than the other side." A lot of times girls compare themselves to other girls and are unsatisfied with themselves, but if they had the same physical appearance of THAT other girl and kept the same mentality of comparing themselves, then the cycle would continue. They would continue to compare and compare and change and change things about they're physcial appearance. For example, when I went to India the girls there wanted lighter skin and there were ads for creams to lighten up the skin. However people here in the U.S.A go to tanning booths and use creams to get darker skin (this really surprised the indians).

ok i feel a little distracted rite now lol. anyways, GOd has really been helping me to deal with these kind of issues. Everyday that I seek Him, only His opinion seems to matter. He knows that I am beautiful and it makes me so very grateful and glad. He gives me the confidence that I need, but not to be boastful.

2008-08-31T01:08:00.000-07:00

Christianity- it's a lifestyle, not a religion!

His strength is made perfect in our weakness

2008-08-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm still here in L.A. and I find myself wanting to go back "home" to Davis. I really miss my comfortable life and I miss school. There has been so much change since I got back from India, but God has been shaping me and showing me that I can't do all this on my own.

Spiritual warfare is going on 24/7. When the devil sees that a person is starting to seek God more and more diligently, He attacks even harder because He wants us to lose faith. Coming back from my missions trip allowed me to grow so much with God and I know that my sister and mother have grown in their relationships as well. However, when the devils sees the areas where we are weak he makes an attempt to bring us down. I feel that these past few weeks have been the most challenging spirtually, emotionally, and physically. Disease, violence, evil words, and death have made an attempt to dishearten my family. However, I know that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms," (Eph 6:12). Through out all these trials I have chosen to praise God and continue to turn to Him. Yes, i did say that the devil attacks our weak points; however, God 's strength also becomes perfect in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9). I know that God's strength is sufficient for me and the devil has not authority to affect my life. I chose to seek God's because his peace sustains me, it allows me to be able to withstand difficult times. I don't know everything there is to know about God. No one can because His knowledge far surpasses our own, He is God and I will not limit Him to my circumstances because He is so much bigger than that.

Like i said, there are times when i just want to go back to Davis, but I feel that God allowed me to come back home and be with my family because He wants to show me that I can't run away from my problems. Usually I feel good when I am back in Davis because I don't have to deal with my real life back home. Sometimes I just want to forget because I don't want to be in pain, but God is also teaching me that we need to help bear each other's burdens. I need to face problems not run away from them. I need to overcome sickness and deal with, I need to dig deep into emotions that have become numb. I need to feel and realize my situation, I need to realize the intensity of it and overcome it. I'm not saying that i need to dwell on it because then that will only make things worse and it will make me worse off. I am also realizing that if I don't address a situation and if i continue to pretend like its not there, then I can never cure it. In order to cure a disease you need to know the cause of it you need to know what it is.....well, the truth hurts but I have to dig deep and the deepest wounds hurt the most.

I pray each night that God's peace sustains me and that His love will continue to pour out on me. I thank God that I am alive and breathing and that He provides me with all that i need. God is so good and He is always teaching me something new each day. I know that His word is truth and Jesus is the way the truth and the life. I thank God for all that I have and I pray that He will continue to work in my life and the lives of those around me. Having a relationship with God is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, i'm so thankful for His grace =).

Choose to Be a Blessing

2008-08-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

The Blessing by John Waller

Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living.
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind.
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life.

Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying.
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind.
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life.

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now,
And we will choose to be a blessing for life.

Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus. Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life.
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing for life.

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now,
And we will choose to be a blessing for life.
we will choose to be a blessing for life.

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now,
And we will choose to be a blessing for life.
we will choose to be a blessing for life.

For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation
For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation

We will choose to be a blessing for life.
For life.
Blessing for life.

This is whats on my heart right now, I feel that God is convicting me of my selfishness again and again. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to try and I just want to care for myself. Then I realize that I am trying to deal with all my emotions by my own strength, but I can't do it all alone. I need God. I need God's love to not burn out and I need God' strength to sustain me.

It has been so good to be able to realize this day by day and it is always a challenge of my faith, but that's what brings be closer to God. Challenges are what makes me know God's character even more and it continues to strengthen my faith in Him and it gives me a sense of peace.

I want to be a blessing to others. I want to serve God's kingdom and glorify His name. He is so faithful and I want to be faithful to Him. Of course, I know that, me being human here on earth, I can never be as faithful as He because He is perfect, but I will definitely try. I am willing to travel the world for His glory. I feel that God has given me a heart to reach out to those around the world to help them physically and spiritually.

GOD IS GOOD.

Clarity

2008-08-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

Things happen for a reason. I've heard that so may times, but only now am i really beginning to see what it means. God is always behind the scenes and He allows certain things to happen for a reason. He never wills bad things to happen, but He allows it to happen for various reasons and it is up to us to pray and figure out what that reason is. I am beginning to the see the reason behind my situations.

God, time and time again, has continued to be faithful. He is a faithful God (Deut 32:4). While I was in India I had certain issues that I had to figure out. My spirit desired God and God desired me, but my flesh wanted otherwise (Matt 26:41). At times I wanted to go back to Davis because I wanted to be comfortable. I did not want to go back home to L.A. because I now how it is at my home. I was selfish and was only thinknig about myself, I wanted to be around all my friends and just be "happy." I continued to pray for God to give me understand, wisdom, discernment, and to remove my desires and fill me with His. God wanted me to trust Him and seek His kingdom and He showed me that He is Lord and that His understanding far surpasses my own (Phil 4:7). God led me to do certain things that was confusing at the time, I even had the audacity to question God. I wanted to leave things they way they were, but God was telling me that there needs to be change. I thought to myself and even asked God "why?" but I got no answer while I was in India. Regardless, I chose to have faith in Him, just like Abraham and many others in the bible did, so I did what God asked of me. I made some changes. It was hard for me, but He sustained me. He gave me peace and joy through out the trip and I was able to focus a lot more on the Indian people and my team rather than on myself.

However, towards the end of the trip I began to feel confused again and thought of "why" came up in my head again. And I began to pray that God would give me a clear reason that I would be certain my actions where right. When I came back to the U.S. it was a little difficult being back and transitioning back. i wasn't sure what to do with myself and part of me just wanted to go back to my old routine and my old self before I went on the India summer project. Later on in the week God answered my prayers. He gave me a clear as crystal sign that I did what I was suppose to do, it wasn't something that I wanted to hear but it was so good to see that God is faithful. He again sustained me through this and filled me with joy and happiness. In addition everything else in my life began to make sense. I was suppose to stay in Davis for summer school, but God changed my plans last minute and I am headed home to L.A in a couple of days, for a month. Initially I was disappointed for my own selfish reasons, but now I clearly see why God is sending me there. I need to serve His kingdom and grow more with Him and tell others of His wonderful glory. I also need to help my family, mend relationships, and continue to rely on Him.

There were just soooo many changes that hit me the first week I got back from India and pretty much all of them were painful changes. God wanted me to realize that the experience that I had in India isn't something that should be forgotten. It is something that I need to experience to change things in my life. God pursued and fought for my heart and He won.

Desiring Him

2008-08-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

I just got back from India a couple of days ago. I was there for 6 intense weeks where God was able to stretch my faith, take me out of my comfort zone and change my heart. I was able to learn a lot about Indian culture, religion, hobbies, and what the most important things were in the lives of the students. I was also able to share everything about myself and what was most important in my life, Jesus.

This was not the first time that I had seen intense poverty, but it was the first time were i was able to really comprehend everything that was going. I felt like as my relationship with God continued to grow, my heart for the nations also continued to grow. Seeing the children in the slums, hearing about the women in the brothels, Seeing the blind worshiping of idols, seeing the corruption in leadership positions and seeing the way men treat women like objects just shattered my heart into pieces. I remember praying to God to break my heart for what breaks His and He seemed to be doing just that.

God continued to convict and He fought for my heart and desired for me to completely surrender to Him. Of Course, me being human I resisted. I wanted this trip to India to be the first and last. I wanted to go back to the U.S. and continue my normal life. I wanted to follow MY desires not God's. I just wanted this India summer project to be an experience, a cool story to tell, but half way through the project God made me realize that i need to choose Him over all else. It was actually hard to do just that and I am ashamed to admit that. I remember that in prayers i would always say "God use me, change my desires to Your desires and I will go where you want me to go." I realized that I always said that I dedicated my life to God, but I never really lived it. I thought that because I went on summer projects for a few weeks that I was doing my fair share of spreading God's truth. The idea of me going to some foreign land for a whole year was out of the questions to me. In my head I never wanted to be a missionary.

I feel that this summer I truly was able to grow in my relationship with God and I truly believe that If I seek first the kingdom of God then He will provide me with all my needs. He has continued to show me how faithful He is. He has continued to answer my prayers and help me understand what it means to surrender to Him.

He pursues me and I want to pursue Him back. I desire God to be central in my life.